I have a realisation...

I've made so many mistakes already... it gets irritating when they come back to haunt you...

Am I speaking sense?

Well..

People talk about love and relationship so much... and I can't say I really understand... I mean yeah.. I have tried to be in love.. once. twice. or more. Well.. I dunno.. but it NEVER work out..

I hate to say this... but I always regret for my stupidity...

I find all that is a caprice of behaviour.. something impulsive.... had I used my brain a little more.. it would have never happened... and I wouldn't come to regret all these...

I always try to convince myself that I like the person I'm with..

like "I realli realli like you.. so if you leave me.. I will be sad... realli realli sad..."

And then again... I do feel sad when it ended... but is not becoz I have "realli realli like you."

Rather.. I was devastated that I didn't and couldn't feel sad of you leaving. My heart feels relief.. all the time.. is like a kite having its string cut loose once again.. I felt air in my lungs again.. after the prolonged suffocation... and then the sadness set in...

I was made to face myself again.. the cruel heartless creature I know I was and still is...

I know what I was doin when I'm with you.. I tried to make you dislike me.. so I wouldn't need to punch in the lethal blow... and the sad thing is.. I tried to make you dislike me right away... after I am with you... when I realise immediately I wouldn't like you... and then i tried my utter bez to make you believe that I'm sad for the separation... and THAT really makes me sad...

....

Did anyone watch A.I. before? It got to be one of the sadest movie I've ever watched... I love that movie.. but most probably.. I wouldn't want to watch it again.. unless I want to see my own reflection...

But no... I'm not thinkin that I am the robot who seek love and was denied for it... but the statue of the angel in front of the circus...

the scene of the robot boy begging the angel at the sunken circus keeps reverberating in my mind after the show...

the robot: Angel please turn mi into a little boy so my mother would love me... please turn mi into a boy... please turn mi into a boy...

the camera swivel around the angel... for a breathtaking second.. and then.. it quiet down... everyone thought of a miracle despite knowing the hopelessness of the situation... (I felt that the director was cruel to roll the camera for such a moment..)

n then... the robot remains a robot... not knowin that he had awaken a few centuries later... where his "mum" had already passed away and the world was already in another ice age...

THAT was sad.. and gosh.. my heart went so cold... I felt like the statue..

but wait...

does the statue feel at all in the first place?